MOTHERS WORK AND MOTHERS ROCK! - Guest blog from Averil Leimon
December 10th, 2007Instead of blogging about my book, which, let’s face it, I haven’t done a lot of recently (sales going well, thanks), I’m pleased to be posting two articles by Averil Leimon on the topic of Motherhood. Not the usual whingeing or moaning - Averil is celebrating the positive aspects and real joys of motherhood, and she hopes at some point to be writing a book on the subject. So to that end, PLEASE let’s have your comments and feedback on what she has to say in her pieces, which appear below.Â
Mothers Work by Averil LeimonÂ
Mothers are the unsung heroes of every culture. Once a year there’s a day to celebrate them with pretty flowers and slogans on cards. It really isn’t enough. People are rightly seen as heroes for fire fighting and upholding the law. Others are hugely rewarded for running multi million pound corporations. Raising the next generation must be one of the most critical roles there is. Yet how is this role valued by society?
- Do we make it easy for women to pursue a career, confident that they are not short - changing their children?
- Do we tell women how vital they are?
- Do we reward them for years of devoted commitment to raising the next generation of citizens?
- Above all – do we hold each other in high esteem, whatever personal choices we have made in our mothering careers?
I don’t think so. Just recently an article in the papers reported that when working women were late, they lied about the reasons. It was still much more acceptable in business to blame transport or congestion than it was to admit you had children who needed you on occasion. Great social advances have made it acceptable for either sex to admit to attending the Nativity play or Sports Day but for the rest of the year, for women, it is better to avoid drawing attention to the fact you even had children. It would bring into question your commitment to your work.  The media frequently reports the latest research which in some way finds fault with women - whatever choice they make – whether they stay at home throughout their children’s lives, whether they work full or part time. Somewhere there will be a piece of research that shows that they are wilfully damaging their children. So the only time that women are truly visible is when they are being blamed for the world’s ills. Better get used to it – a woman’s place is often in the wrong! Of course, we never get the full story and the chance to check the robustness of the research. We just have something more to worry about. The reality is that most of us are doing a pretty brilliant job, by multi tasking, trying to be superwoman but often having a nagging sense of failure that we are not totally focused on any one part of our lives. At the risk of sounding like I am blaming us mothers again, I have to ask why this situation is still being perpetuated. Do we collude? Do we accept a lack of glory because we really are not sure about what an amazing role we are playing?Â
At work, some changes have been made to facilitate women as if their strange personal needs are being accommodated at incredible cost to industry. Quite the reverse is true. Businesses are still not fully grasping the financial and competitive losses they are making by failing to retain and manage female talent. Some excellent ones work hard to support and encourage women knowing that they are an expensive resource that they can ill afford to lose. For these women, paid leave, enticements, part time working and nursery support are all provided. Elsewhere nothing much changes.  Until recently, I just felt reassured that it would be different when my daughters came to want it all, as I do. Teenage boys have had to learn to relate to girls in ways they have not in previous generations. They know they are all equals and are often quite aware of the fact that the girls are beating them academically. Surely that respect would carry on into the workplace when they all got there. Gradually, it has dawned on me that what will really happen is that the older generation of men ( and even some women ) in senior positions will enforce the status quo making change and real equality slower to achieve. As mothers of boys and girls we need to make sure change happens now – for ourselves but also for our offspring. One of the best argument for doing all that you can to support women as mothers in the workplace is the clear cut business necessity of it. Working populations are shrinking. There will be a short fall of 1.3 million in key positions in the
Mothers Rock by Averil Leimon If asked what is my greatest achievement, I would say bringing up my daughters is the one I regard as most special. It has been a joy and delight. They are wonderful – and you need a bit of context in order to understand the impact of what I am saying. Scots rarely boast about their children. They may love and admire them fiercely but if offered praise about them, mothers are likely to say something deprecatory or humorous. Having lived in
 You see, mothers tend to do that- give away any credit for the good stuff but accept all blame and criticism when anything goes wrong. This can make motherhood a thankless task and let’s face it there is a lot of drudgery and saintliness entailed in being an even basically competent mother. What upsets me is that you rarely hear much about the blinding, heart stopping wonderfulness of it all. There is always a litany of the chores involved, the terrible stages children go through, the sleepless nights, the grim dutifulness of it all. How often do we focus on the delight of being a mother? My hunch is that we are always trying to impress people ( or the men in our lives ) with how hard we are working and we don’t want to own up to the rewards that we gain.  My desire is for women to have the time and space in a hectic life to feel the joy of motherhood, to celebrate it and to receive the praise they deserve. Yet that may sound all too corny compared with many women’s experience and anxiety. In our society, we are often rewarded for looking at the negative in everything with the consequence that people’s happiness is lowered and their perceptions contribute to a reduction of enjoyment in any situation. We are told it will be grim when our child reaches the ‘Terrible Twos’ or adolescence. Two year olds are amazing. They have hardly arrived on this planet and they actually think they can run the world and we won’t let them – no wonder they get frustrated. If you lack motivation, just watch the determination of a two year old to master something and be ashamed, very ashamed of how quickly you give up in comparison. Someone once said to me, ‘Two teenage girls in the same house? All those hormones! How ghastly!’ Where do you start to disabuse people of these notions and reveal the female collusion, support systems and sharing of makeup and jewellery? If you say, ‘You have no idea of the fun we have’, there is a sense that the other person will assume you are putting a brave face on a difficult situation. It is all too easy for these negatives to become self - fulfilling prophecies. We feel we just have to suffer through a phase rather than take the challenge of living every moment of it. I think it is vital that we celebrate daily the good aspects of being a mother. The problem is – who with? It is easy for things to turn into competitive tit for tat sessions where everyone feels the need to outdo each other with tales of their offspring’s latest endeavour.  Often what makes itdifficult is the fact that we never truly know when we are doing a good job. We don’t want to tempt fate by resting on our laurels. I think one of the important issues is building up the confidence of mothers in what they are doing. After all, none of us got a user’s manual with our new baby and have had to make it up on a daily basis ever since. There is no rubber stamp of formal qualifications, no annual appraisals and concomitant bonuses by which to judge our worth. So the guilty secret is that quite a lot of the time we are blaming ourselves for not being more . . . .this, that or something or other. You see, the big issue here is that there are no real rules now. Our parents and theirs’ before them seemed to know how it was meant to be done. There was a certainty and things didn’t change just so fast. They often got it wrong but could feel like they had done the right thing, even if it didn’t work out. Now we live in times our quite close ancestors could not have imagined. The rate of change in our lifetimes is astonishing. How are we meant to keep up, know the answers and have the authority that mothers are meant to have? Basically, we are not. I think we are much better thinking of ourselves as more like coaches than experts, using questions, challenges, empathy and support to get the best outcome with our children. If we want them to grow strong and confident, then we need to equip them with the life tools and skills they are going to need. We cannot tell what life in the next 50 or 60 years will hold. The only certainty is change. Our children need to be equipped to deal with situations we cannot even imagine. That means finding ways of raising them to be strong in their belief in themselves, confident in their abilities, unafraid and flexible to change.  We also need to start celebrating our own successes and raising the profile of mothers, guaranteeing a more respected place in society.
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